Foyin had asked her younger sister, Fiyin her age when she got married because the latter felt (as at then) that Foyin (23) was too young to wed.
Fiyin: (laughing out loud) 21!
Foyin: Incomplete information, editor. You edited the dull part, bad girl. You ran faster than Usein Bolt to clock 18, struggled for 3 years because your body was on fire and ran into marriage at 21 when your mates were still struggling to secure admission to college!
Fiyin: Usain Boot madam not ‘Usein Bolt’. I was through with my ND you know. In fact I was doing my IT … so leave me alone jare agbaya crying from Yagba (Kogi) to Yaba, Lagos.
Foyin: Bolt or Boot whatever … I gave you the license to abuse me, in fact accuse me … it’s my Happiest Day in life … ah what about my own wedding yes the two make up my happiest day on earth. Back to you piper, elenu viper … you’d not even started your HND let alone graduating from polytechnic … and you rushed to registry because your womb wants to woo and win you but you don’t want people to boo you and your baby is advancing.
Fiyin: upside-down and that’s offside with red card for you. You’ve started again sister mi … I was tear-rubber and I knew you knew!
Foyin: (coughing satirically) red card for offside position in football? JJC! You get red card if you argue with the referee at least twice; yellow for one argument, yellow for another, no more, no less! Now Fiyin didn’t know that I don’t know that she was brown rice and brand new after all I wasn’t following her everywhere you go like MTN yes when you were single and I didn’t enter the place when you and your darling were doing Man City vs Man United but when it became 1 – 0 you invited me for naming. Even Tuface had repented from the place and that made him choose Annie …. However, I knew you were a reserved girl.
Fiyin: (raising her shoulder) Just like my niece, your daughter Bibi, and I pray God bless her with twins back-to-back just as He did for the reserved girl called Fiyin.
Foyin: Amen o! But my daughter is aje-butter she might feel and say she wants just a kid or at most two, you know alakowe people na
Fiyin: Alakowe are the business, the academic and the political class and they usually have money and the more money you have the more children you should import … there are many babies in heaven who want to come to our world just as there are many Nigerians who want to travel abroad (the Us including Canada and Australia) and being denied visa is similar to denying babies in heaven their own visa too. As far as I’m concerned a football team is weird a table tennis or lawn tennis worse but I’m rooting for a relay or basket-ball team – 4 or 5.
Foyin: Us – US and UK right?
Fiyin: Yeah … sorry yes ma, sorry madam!
Foyin: Some strokes of the cane loading … for you. Anyway, Fiyin I can’t wait to carry my grand-children in my hands. Many times we want our sons-in-law to rush our daughters so they can experience many ‘push,’ within a short time!
Fiyin: Is it poultry Farmers & Layers Republic? Caution o! F-a-m-i-l-y p-l-a-n-n-i-n-g anti mi. You better don’t let your daddy and darling hear you otherwise he’ll turn you to suya!
Foyin: sun, ya, ya fun mi jare, suya ko suya ni. My husband that can’t kill common cockroach, much less beat me let alone bruise me. If he hears and complains I’ll tell him what my mum told him when he was marrying me? You were just a girl then and it’s not beans to be 7 years someone’s senior.
May God rest mama’s soul; now let me replay her voice to my hubby on our wedding day:
“Omo mi, okunrin meta if your wife (my daughter) says, Leave me alone, in the bedroom don’t listen o she’s telling you to take your homework serious o and leave other things in your mind out of the equations. If you see red-hot face and hear ‘Na food!’ but she’s got no reason to say that because all is well between you both, do like a fool that heed the opposite of warning by warming her up ‘be cool, cook her meal o and let her drool. Mo ti bun e l’omo and I’m expecting ‘bamgbomo mi’. I’ve given you my daughter and waiting for ‘give me my children’ (grand children).
Fiyin: (laughing hysterically) Anti mi relax. Rasheed is from Ogun State and Ogun men are men … they are thunder and fire with women, they don’t threaten fire and brimstone they are fire, bring stone they will grind.
Foyin: How do mean?
Fiyin: You know anti mi … you know … aside being influential, renowned politicians, presidents, leaders, clerics … they are also Presidents of People’s Republic of women.
Foyin: Stereotype. And you studied Psychology.
Fiyin: I know I’m a criminal please send me to jail. Late MKO Abiola was a business man who doubles as ladies’ man. Fela Anikulapo Kuti the musician the legend wasn’t a learner with women. 27, 27, 27 women converted to wives in one fell swoop. Former President Dr. OBJ, writer, elder statesman wasn’t just a Doctor of Theology he had an undocumented doctorate degree in one college that you and I belong. Now billionaire Mike Adenuga Glo … rule your world … had ruled women’s world wella … Nobel laureate Wole Soyinka didn’t date books, academics, activism and politics alone o he dated women, had wives one of them was white oyinbo … exporting your skills beyond Naija there pardon me, now call the police.
Foyin: Hmmmm, men!
Fiyin: Officers are you here? Please arrest her too … if I bag 10 months, hers shouldn’t exceed 10 days as a ‘tyro’ but give her parole today and come back on Monday same for me too o – it’s our wedding not my niece nor her daughter’s but ours!
Foyin: My baby, Bisola, Bibi, come and warn your aunt o! I’ve had enough stress for many days now … going up and down … shopping for your wedding Madam Ijaoba (64) shopping like a teenager from Oja-Oba, Ibadan to Oja-Oba Ilorin ….
#Bisras 2005 … continues next weekend God willing. I know many voices had strolled and sprinted at various weddings today.
This edition of VAW is in series and believe me you’ll enjoy all, and someday you might find the complete package of all VAWs on this site, in print (novel) version.
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